r/BlackPeopleTwitter
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u/Kelmo7
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Mar 21 '23
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I knew you were going to be a problem Country Club Thread
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Mar 21 '23
“Newflash pal”
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u/mongoosedog12 ☑️ Mar 21 '23
I went to a STEM uni .. so you can guess the types of people there.
In my engineering design class my group was having an augment over a circuit designs efficiency. One of the dudes looks the other straight in the face and goes “newsflash pal your equation isn’t even correct”
He said thar shit with his chest and I busted out laughing
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Mar 21 '23
I could only imagine!!! Lol. I probably would have replied, “What in the blue blazes?” When that happened!
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u/TKHunsaker Mar 22 '23
Oh no. I just realized how many times I’ve been slyly mocked by black coworkers. I know I’ve thought, “why is she talking like that?” And just chalked it up to missing a joke.
Guess I did. Lol
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u/thetimehascomeforyou ☑️ Mar 22 '23
I live for these moments. "Let's cut the malarkey and get down to brass tacks" no laugh. I'm dying inside of laughter. Boss is waiting for me to drop the iron. Tension at an all time high. I look around and say, "what? I was just joshin"
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u/UnprofessionalGhosts Mar 22 '23
No one under the age of 75-80 uses the word malarkey and isn’t joking though. He’s probably just confused lol
There are a few examples in this thread where people aren’t realizing white people are joking, like the use of “buster” for example. Like half this shit is said just to be stupid, at least on the white side of my family.
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u/Emergency_Ad_5935 Mar 21 '23
If you want a white guy to leave, just slap your knee and say “weellllp” as you stand up. He’ll get the message.
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u/NorCalNerdEmptyNest Mar 21 '23
"It's about that time" :)
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u/NYMoneyz Mar 22 '23
Time to hit the ol dusty is a classic I like to bust out from time to time
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u/IllegibleLedger Mar 22 '23
I’ve been doing the Peter Griffin dusty trail for like 20 years and it’s never failed me
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u/infinitebrkfst Mar 22 '23
My great-great-aunt used to say, “Well, I better meander.”
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u/essidus Mar 21 '23
In my neck of the woods, that's the signal to start the process of filing a permit to leave. You've still got an hour, buddy.
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u/smnlfilmagoofymovie Mar 21 '23
Just stretch out my arms, yawn and say “time to hit that ol dusty trail”.
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u/ncbraves93 Mar 22 '23
Yeah, this is just to initiate the immigration to the front door and then the porch.
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u/Ok-Champ-5854 Mar 22 '23
It's the immediate precursor to the kitchen where Tupperware will be filled with leftovers. You will be asked thrice. Refuse the first two times. Then begrudgingly acquiesce with a phrase like, "oh, all right, but you don't have to."
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u/physedka Mar 22 '23
Wellllllll first let's discuss how many leftovers you're taking with you. Then we'll decide which kind(s) of tupperware/ziplock is the right choice for the situation. Yeah you gotta take some of these beans because we'll never eat them all. Throw them away if you don't eat them. Then we gotta let it all cool for a minute before you leave with it so sit back down for a while and I'll pour some more sweet tea.
Oh! I meant to bake these cookies anyway so just hangout for a few more minutes. Let me grab another container to put some of these cookies in for you for tomorrow. No I don't want them here because my diet starts tomorrow.
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u/Nihil_Cow Mar 22 '23
Excuse me, that’s Midwestern white speak
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u/Classified0 Mar 22 '23
Honestly, it's just midwestern suburbanite speak. Met this black guy who grew up in Wisconsin and he fit all the stereotypes you'd normally associate with super white people
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u/Hannibal216BCE Mar 22 '23
Look at your watch, stand, and say, “Well shit, it’s gettin’ late.” If they don’t get the message go in for a hug/handshake. If they still don’t get it claim the boss (your wife) needs you to do something.
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u/StylinAndSmilin Mar 22 '23
Can confirm. This is the tried and true tradition. My family always did this growing up when it was time to leave. Every. Single. Time.
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u/NoObjective427
Mar 21 '23
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Still the greatest caucasian disses of all time. They definitely snapped on this commercial.
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u/mongoosedog12 ☑️ Mar 21 '23
Whoever did that ad campaign I hope they’re living their best life.
To this day one of my fav commercials haha
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u/Lt_Dickballs Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
This commercial and the K-Mart commercial where people are saying they shipped something and it’s meant to sound like shit. “I just shipped my bed!” Peak television.
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u/decimalsanddollars Mar 22 '23
I think about the k mart commercial at least once a month. “I just shipped my pants!”
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u/FBISurveillanceDildo ☑️ Mar 21 '23
You didn’t think I’d find out about your little doo doo head cootie queen, did you?!?
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u/Taeyx ☑️ Mar 22 '23
she need an emmy for this commercial. delivery was flawless. she believed every syllable
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u/Uptownfade332 ☑️ Mar 22 '23
Lmao me and my sister used to quote this commercial all the time growing up
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u/DirtyBirdDawg Mar 22 '23
When you ask a white guy how he's doing and he says "Living the dream," you know he's going through it.
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u/CelestialFury Mar 22 '23
Or "I'm here" which is code for dead man walking.
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u/Not_Into_It_ Mar 22 '23
I respond with “Nightmares are dreams, too.” It gets a solid response.
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u/RefrigeratedTP Mar 21 '23
I say “imma sneak right past you real quick” all the time lmfao
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u/Si3rr4 Mar 21 '23
what else am I supposed to say 😅😅😅💃
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u/xxpen15mightierxx Mar 22 '23
Well apparently you can’t say “bitch MOVE you’re blocking the whole damn grocery aisle!” or they get all salty about it
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u/IllegibleLedger Mar 22 '23
This is perfect because it feels annoying when you say excuse me but the person doesn’t need to move, you’re just somewhat invading their personal space as you pass
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u/xXAlucardXx Mar 22 '23
I’ll occasionally toss in a “you mind if I steal one from you?” if I’m slipping by someone to get to a candy bowl or other such thing.
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u/liarandahorsethief Mar 21 '23
“GOD… DAMMIT!”
Black folks will slip right past the first part, or swap the D for a T in the hopes that the Almighty’s just gonna glance up over his bifocals and listen for a second before going back to his sudoku book.
White people enunciate the blasphemy and then pause, as if to make sure to get The Big Guy’s attention before having the audacity to call down a smiting.
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u/dpforest Mar 21 '23
I always yell the DAMNT. so does my mom. It’s crazy how some people get so offended at “god damn” still. Like don’t give me that Quaker in a tiddy bar attitude
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u/nada_accomplished Mar 22 '23
my white ass just whispered "god. Dammit." in bed to confirm the accuracy and I can indeed confirm, that is the way we instinctively say that
May or may not be smit in the near future
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u/KindOfOblivious Mar 21 '23
“News flash, asshole” is a favorite of mine
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u/Hope4gorilla Mar 22 '23
Is it just me or does this have big "Pop quiz, hotshot!" energy?
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u/aarmour25 Mar 21 '23
"Why I oughta" is still goat
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u/Speckled_Clout ☑️ Mar 21 '23
Whenever I've heard a white man go, "Alright, that's it!" The room always gets a little quieter lol
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u/National-Paramedic Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
The first person who moves their eyes in a wrong tone is about to be made an example of
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u/Universe789 ☑️ Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
The most extra I've ever heard came from a big black dude.
He was passing behind another kid in class, and said with a straight face as his stomach pushed the back of the kid's chair:
Excuse my obesity
I fuckin lost it.
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Mar 21 '23
Maddest I've seen a wyt guy get he said "This isn't cutting the mustard!" I was so lost y'all
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u/Xman52 Mar 22 '23
I’m white, but that’s too white for even me to understand I’m sorry
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u/StylinAndSmilin Mar 22 '23
Was about to say this. I was raised in the old south and I have no idea what this means. Is it a northern thing?
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u/Ripoutmybrain Mar 22 '23
Shifts up glasses* Well it's like if something isn't quite up to snuff. Doesn't stand up to scrutiny.
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u/Godzilla-ate-my-ass Mar 22 '23
Doesn't cut the mustard is the same as not up to snuff
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Mar 21 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Automatic-War-7658 Mar 22 '23
“I’d like to reiterate…” = I know you’re idiots so I’ll repeat and dumb down the important parts.
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Mar 22 '23
“Per my last email” is the dopest shit ever. It’s like.. bitch first of all I said what tf I said lolol
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u/CelestialFury Mar 22 '23
Per my last email = bitch, can you read!?!
Then you either CC and/or BCC some folks up above you, so they know that the person emailing you fucked up in some way and you're covering your ass.
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u/TrinixDMorrison Mar 21 '23
“You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’” is my all time favorite. It sounds neither cool nor threatening, and if anything it pretty much says that you’ve never been in a fight in your entire life.
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u/StylinAndSmilin Mar 22 '23
I've always heard "Don't make me beat you like a red-headed stepchild" from my family.
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u/malkebulan Mar 21 '23
‘Now hold up buddy’
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u/Dripula Mar 21 '23
I never realized how strong my white half is until now
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u/UnprofessionalGhosts Mar 22 '23
Me either but I’m a little disappointed so many people don’t realize many of these words/phrases are used facetiously.
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u/davenocchio Mar 21 '23
Hold your horses = what the fuck?
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u/penpinappleapplepen3 Mar 22 '23
Several meanings for this one depending on the context. Could be hold up, calm down buddy or have patience as well.
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u/NYstate ☑️ Mar 21 '23
How black people establish boundaries: " Who is we?"
How white people establish boundaries: "Newsflash buddy!"
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u/user664567666 Mar 22 '23
If you ever hear a white man say "time to get outta Dodge" you need to heed that shit
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u/Jamaican_Dynamite Mar 22 '23
Yup. "We better hightail it outta' here." If you stick around after they say that, I'm sorry.
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u/Firetail1710 Mar 21 '23
some of my dad's mos memorable ones are "how 'bout them apples?" or "cool your jets, kiddo" when my siblings and i would act up lmao
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u/Epicsharkduck Mar 21 '23
'Ope, Lemme sneak right be ya there" in MN and it's not a diss it's just something we say like 1000x a day
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u/sonofhondo Mar 22 '23
I know Minnesota’s claim to “Ope” is unassailable and Imma let you finish, but that shits a staple of white midwesterners from across the Great Lakes.
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u/cmband254 Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
I never realized how stupid Midwesterners sound until I moved out of the Midwest 🥲 now I say that shit all the time in a country where literally no one says these things
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u/Epicsharkduck Mar 22 '23
It's not stupid it's awesome! I love it! It's actually pretty cute and I love talking like a Midwesterner even though I live in the city now! It's what makes us unique
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u/Dazzling-Ad-4489 ☑️ Mar 22 '23
My personal fave is the "now that really chaps my ass"
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u/petit_cochon Mar 22 '23
"That burns my buns" and "that tears my toast" are also good.
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u/Boomchickabang- ☑️ Mar 21 '23
Not gon lie I absolutely love "ope, gonna scooch right past ya"
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u/error785 Mar 21 '23
Pump your brakes Kemosabe.
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u/SecularFlesh47 Mar 22 '23
I’ve read about 200 of these comments and this is the one that finally broke me. Holy fuck
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u/someguynamedisaac Mar 22 '23
no, you have to go straight to the homeland to get the real weapons grade caucasian vernacular english
nothing beats: "oi wanker" and "listen 'ere ya sodding mingebag"
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u/RattusRattus Mar 21 '23
Here are some of my father's, a former Navy man, greatest hits:
I'm so hungry I could eat the touch hole off a teddy bear.
Take a flying a fuck at a rolling donut.
Colder than a witch's tit. (Struggled all my childhood to say broomstick.)
Barking spider. (Farts.)
And, drum roll please 🥁🥁🥁
Now your asshole's sucking on a broken beer bottle.
No, he doesn't know what it means. I've asked. It's just the mood strikes him and the phrase comes out. And if you're wondering what he looks like, if he's surf casting every white male 20-35 that needs a father figure is talking to him.
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u/Automatic-War-7658 Mar 22 '23
I’ve heard the whole thing as “Colder than a witch’s titty in a brass bra”.
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u/Stonecoldsaidso87 Mar 22 '23
The man the myth the legend and it’s just some dude named jerry
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u/anthroposeur Mar 21 '23
Oh fuck. I’m white & I definitely say “just gonna sneak right past ya.” I absolutely hate that I do that.
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u/Stock_Beginning4808 ☑️ Mar 22 '23
Haha why? It’s great!
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u/anthroposeur Mar 22 '23
I don’t know, feels like a short step to “Hey neighbor how’s the new lawn mower treatin ya?” Or, “gosh don’t ya know there’s a sale at the Boot Barn?”
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u/kapsama Mar 21 '23
I remember reading on sohh years ago that white slang has stagnated ever since the Turtles ended.
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u/Mvd75 ☑️ Mar 22 '23
“I am not a happy camper” has been living in my basement with the tv on anytime I see someone feels like they’ve been dissed.
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u/TooFuckingSpooky 🎊 One of the good ones 🎉 Mar 22 '23
We purposely add wacky nonsense to our sayings and phrases just to catch you off guard. One time, I uttered the words, "Now wait just a throat-fucking minute."
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u/EtraNosral Mar 21 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
When you ask: “Hey, is anyone sitting here?” The response is always: “You are.“
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u/1984AD Mar 21 '23
Gee golly whillikers! Bless your heart child but that dog won’t hunt.
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u/ChrundleToboggan Mar 21 '23
lol what century is this
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u/AndThisGuyPeedOnIt Mar 22 '23
Everyone in this thread only interacts with 90 year old plus white people, or think what a TV school principal hard ass on a sitcom from the 70s would say is what people normally say.
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u/caulpain Mar 22 '23
“bless their heart” is the no. 1 way to politely dismiss someone in southern white society. i dated a girl from richmond and her family said it about someone who had just been convicted of a felony. 🥴
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Mar 22 '23
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u/BlackEastwood ☑️ Mar 22 '23
Oh, that's talking shit, southern church style. You're either so dumb, ugly, crazy or just a general fuck-up to need the blessings of the Lord to get yourself right.
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u/HotHand3 Mar 22 '23
when tying anything down in a truck
“That’s not going anywhere”. -a key part of the process. Until then, you’re not done lol.
Hold your horses.
“Knock it off!”= The white version of “You got me fucked up”
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u/RedX2000 Mar 22 '23
My favorite is when they cap on each other and call each other white boy
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u/dylanbeloved Mar 21 '23
Cool your tits or I'm going to light you up like a crack pipe- my father.....
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u/Viktor_Laszlo Mar 22 '23
getting up from the restaurant table, ready to leave
"Let's blow this popsicle stand."
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u/HideNZeke Mar 22 '23
As a white guy, I'm really tempted to start hamming up my white-isms for dramatic effect. These posts make it seem like it would be appreciated
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u/TheRalphExpress Mar 21 '23 •
when a white dude calls you bucko, you better run